The Spoonbill Generator

The Ballad of Archibald Sideways

The Ballad of Archibald Sideways [TG]

Archibald Sideways was second to none [P]

(Heigh ho & a barrel of figs) [Roland]

His father was Greek and his mother a Hun [TG]

Who abandoned their child for a life in the sun [P]

(Their notion of fun was carousing and jigs) [TG]

Heigh ho & a surfeit of pigs [P]

Archie was raised by a strict maiden niece [TG]

(Heigh ho & a bash on the head) [Roland]

She cuffed him twice nightly and called the police [TG]

To caution young Archie for breach of the peace [Roland]

(They warned him, "My boy, you will never be wed!") [P]

Heigh ho & a frog in the bed [Roland]

Achibald Sideways was haunted by fears [p]

(Heigh ho & abandon all hope) [Roland]

That he'd always be taller than most of his peers [P]

Who'd scorn his huge nose and his oversize ears [Roland]

(Which surely would make him a very fine Pope!) [P]

Heave-ho on the end of the rope [Roland]

But Archibald Sideways was stronger than death [P]

(Heigh ho, the wolf at the door) [Roland]

And kept it at bay with his stout shibboleth [P]

And whispered it loud on his guttering breath [Roland]

(Which smelt like the dung of an ill-tempered boar) [TG]

Heigh ho, you're getting no more. [Roland]

All right, if you must, I'll continue the tale [TG]

(Heigh ho, never at rest) [Roland]

Archie's best friend was an old canvas pail [TG]

He finally kicked it, while reading in gaol [Roland]

(Which just goes to show that it's all for the best) [TG]

Heigh ho ... [Roland]

... the last line's the best! [Bop]


Contributors: TG, P, Roland, p, Bop
Poem finished: 20th March 1999