The Spoonbill Generator

Uncle Helium Meets His Maker

He was born at a quarter to three [TG]

His father was Dutch and his mother was Cree [P]

No-one saw him amounting to much [Roland]

His uncle at sea with no legs and a crutch [TG]

Westward Ho! and a bottle of rum [Roland]

Each man's wife is another man's mum! [P]

She gave birth at a quarter to four [Roland]

The midwife was old and the doctor was sore [TG]

No-one bothered to think up a name [Roland]

Nobody knew he would gain so much fame [P]

Westward Ho! and a keg of vermouth [Roland]

I'd give up my life to recapture my youth! [P]

And so he did, at a quarter to five: [Roland]

He learned how to drink and he learned how to jive [TG]

Nobody cared when he smashed up the place [P]

Leaving fresh birth-marks all over his face [Roland]

Westward Ho! and a hogshead of ale [P]

Sent as a salve for this sorrowful vale! [Roland]

He went home at a quarter to six [TG]

And rebuilt the walls using beetroots for bricks [Roland]

No-one could think why the starlight shone through [TG]

Glinting the purply trickle of dew [Roland]

Westward Ho! and a firkin of stout [P]

Nothing within us and nothing without. [Roland]

He fell into bed at a quarter to seven [P]

One leg in Wiltshire, the other in Devon [Roland]

No-one knew if he'd last through the night [TG]

Could his corpuscles still fight the good fight? [Roland]

Westward Ho! and a quart of champagne [TG]

Blended from gossamer, twilight and rain [Roland]

He died in his sleep at a quarter to nine [P]

Muttering nothing devout nor divine [Roland]

No-one found out for a fortnight or more [TG]

But all had admired him - to that they all swore [P]

Westward Ho! and the vessel is drained [Roland]

- We've nothing but scorn for the fools who abstained [P]


Contributors: TG, P, Roland
Poem finished: 31st March 2000