The Spoonbill Generator

Arabella Spommit wrote her cup-size on a mouse [Apsley]

(A fine transgendered specimen which spoke in pidgin Scouse) [Hamish]

As if thereby to cherish the dreams she had of old [Apsley]

The majority of which have not been told [Grayman]

Arabella's comment to the mouse who spoke in Scouse [fester]

Could not be now repeated for it was, you see, uncouth [Apsley]

And if you think she cherished the dreams she had of youth [fester]

You're more of a man and less of a louse [Apsley]

Arabella spotted her true love (whose name was Klaus) [fester]

And dragged him by the knees into her father's study [Apsley]

He bawled "For f**k's sake cut that out! You're making such a bloody [E Greejius]

Spectacle, that both of you I'll promptly douse! [Apsley]

Arabella Spommit, though a flighty little slut, [E Greejius]

(Who importuned old fishermen and took them to her hut) [fester]

Was modest in demeanour, but perky as a peach [Apsley]

When soliciting old sailors on the beach [fester]

What now of Arabella? I've laid it on the line: [E Greejius]

I suggested euthanasia. She said that was unkind [fester]

I then suggested murder. Now that she didn't mind [Anon.]

So I broke her bones and threw her down a mine [Hamish]

Arabella wondered as she lay there in the dark [Anon.]

What harm of kind all sexual might haply her befall [Apsley]

Perchance with some randy miners - be they short or tall [Hamish]

Or even with a limp that they had picked up in the park: [Apsley]

Arabella lay there dying, but then a magic [fester]

Elephant called Roger appeared, trod on her and said [Anon.]

"So where's your precious Apsley when you need him? Still in bed?" [E Greejius]

Then Arabella Spommit died. Isn't that so tragic? [fester]

Arabella Spommit stood before the Pearly Gates [madge]

They opened up majestically to let her go inside [Apsley]

But St Peter barred the way, a cudgel by his side [fester]

With which he hit her till she squelched, egged on by his mates [Hamish]

Arabella sighed with pleasure, and with rapture too [fester]

(Being squelched by St Peter had thrilled her through and through) [madge]

But sadly now we bid her a final fond farewell [fester]

And rush into the netherworld utterly pell-mell. [Apsley]