How Large Is Tina's Dinosaur?
I once asked Uncle Herbert
To neutralise a foe
He told me I was foppish
And trod upon my toe
It swelled up alarmingly
(As Martha said it would)
But eighty weeks of resting
Turned it to solid oak
I once asked auntie sally
To pasteurise my head
She poured on boiling water
And soon my teeth turned red
She put it in the oven
(since Martha said she might)
But after 90 minutes
My fangs were once more cream.
I once asked Nephew Peter
To polish bright my bike
He rubbed at it with gusto
All enthusiastic like
But what he thought was polish
('Cos Martha told him so)
Was one hundred proof whisky
And made him rather faint
I once asked Granny Hilda
To balance on the edge
She told me it was tiresome
And I should cut the hedge
I used her nasal trimmer
Her egg-whisk and her clamp
And one hundred and ten dal-
-matians whose fur was wet
I once asked Father Christmas
For carrots, numbered three,
But I only got a turnip
And a piece of mouldy brie
But what he also gave me
('Cos Martha told him to)
Was a dish heapoed up with catnip
And three cats who were green
I once asked Mother Hubbard
To tell me what to do
She typed out sixteen pages
About living in a shoe
It's not so much the laces
As the six and forty sages
It's more the council gremlins
(Least Martha says it is)
I once asked Sister Susie
What time the fish was due
She told me I was stupid
And I would soon turn blue:
(I'd decided to stop breathing
To show my love for Cupid)
But Martha said to stop it
Else her love would grow cold
I once asked Grandad Horace
Where he had felled the foe
He told me to be a man
But I retorted 'No!
He hit me with his walking-stick
(And Martha hid my shoes)
But eight score weeks of waiting
Just increase the cost of hake-skin!
| Contributors: | Grayman, Hamish, Apsley, TG, Anon., Roland, loaf, MRQ, fester, Nessie. |
| Poem finished: | 6th July 2000. |