The Spoonbill Generator

"Why have you tied up Granny?" the little girl was asked [Hamish]

(Although in truth she hadn't, by the way) [Roland]

"I didn't do it, Mummy", the tiny lass replied [Hamish]

"'Twas you that taught me bondage didn't pay." [loaf]

"Who really tied up Granny? Who covered her with prunes?" [Hamish]

(in fact a tasty treat for all the clan) [MRQ]

"A small man on a moped" screeched the boy upon the fence [MRQ]

"I just seemed like it fitted with his plans." [MRQ]

"Who trussed basted Granny, all ready for the fire?" [Apsley]

(Where did he put the stuffing, may I ask?) [Hamish]

But silence was the grim repost from every hill and dale [Apsley]

For she'd been aged inside a sherry cask [Grayman]

"Who drowned my poor old Granny?" the little girl did wail [fester]

(Although, in truth, the old dear was alive) [Nessie]

"I really hate them, Mummy!" the tiny lass cried out [fester]

"I really think they just ought not to thrive!" [Apsley]

"well, actually me and Daddy" Mama, all shy did say. [Anon.]

Were practising our genocide techniques [Grayman]

"We've tortured Auntie Janet, we've chopped up cousin Pete, [fester]

And you are next, you horrid little freak!" [Anon.]

"Do say you're joking, Mummy" the girl said, tearfully, [fester]

For she disliked pretending there was carrot-cake for tea; [Apsley]

She picked up her revolver and pulled the trigger thrice [fester]

She missed her mum completely, but killed two little mice [Nessie]

"Well, now you're for it, dearie..." her evil mother laughed [fester]

A-stapling the moppet to the fence [TG]

In a fury of indulgence, so rare in northern France, [Apsley]

She stuffed her down the toilet in the Gents [TG]

Soaking wet, the little girl climb'd out the horrid hole [fester]

And semaphored for help by waving with a wooden pole [Apsley]

But no-one would come near her - French toilets don't smell nice [fester]

But, in their way, and all the same they add a bit of spice [Apsley]

Her Mum was outside, talking; the girl crept quietly past [fester]

But tripped upon a hamster in the hall [Grayman]

The little lass went flying; Mummy heard her crying [fester]

And blasted her with many a lead ball. [Apsley]

Poor little Arabella! She very nearly died [fester]

As did our own brave heroine to boot, [Apsley]

And, in the French hospital, the surgeons laboured long [fester]

One ball was deep; they couldn't get it oot [Grayman]

Meanwhile, Jules the hamster (who had caused the girl to fall) [fester]

Was ed by Asian men dressed up as the Czar [Apsley]

They fed him from a cruet - curried cats and suet [Hamish]

Procured discreetly from the tumbledown bazaar [Apsley]

"And what", you ask, "of Granny?" It's well that you enquire [TG]

She sold her story to the tabloid press [Grayman]

"Devil-Possessed Daughter Keeps Mum Bound In Sherry-Cask" [fester]

And so with fame and besmirched name this sorry tale will last. [MRQ]