Epistle upon the Ancient Streams
Sir:
Enclosed please find my rant against your ilk.
Although I admire you in many ways, in the aggregate: you disgust me
And I mean that in the kindest way
(In the sense that brutal truths are much more kind than lies)
But I digress
(And thát, if I may say so, is yóur fault!)
Resuming: I believe you and yours owe us some explanation as to odor
Not to mention orthography
Exacerbated by your own singularly tin ear
And while we're on the subject of your body
Your nose is a dangerous combination of lengthy and pointy
Would it not be merely common decency to have it removed?
Then there are your eyebrows
You've plucked yourself four from a unibrow
Yet one eyebrow per eyeball is all that anyone needs, I'm sure you'll agree
And now that the subject of hair has been broached let me remind you of your ass
The rump dreadlocks are a bit much
Regarding the pubic curlicues, they can't be natural...can they?
It is not unreasonable to expect you to cover same
But I recall now what I admire in you: your lack of shame
This space is insufficient for me to comment on your many secretions; however
Suffice it to say that you should carry a bucket--lidded, and frequently emptied
When you get into bed I role towards you. Not for love but because your SO FAT!
So fat that it numbs my brain, as evidenced by that last nonsensical statement.
But now that I've recovered I shall address your disturbing eructations
Your noxious belches are nothing less than odiferant crimes against mankind
Their volume, length, and odorousness endanger even denizens of the next county
It might help if you brushed your teeth more than yearly
And as for your frequent flatulent fusillades, let the record reflect
That my aspiringly artistic alliteration is more than they deserve
Regarding ogreish oderiferousness, your armpits immediately come to mind
So I must come to my point, as my stomach begins to turn
But wait, here's a few more facts about your fetid, stank carcass
One cannot help but become queasy watching it teeter atop your pallid stick-legs
Your lurching gait and deformed extremities defy the laws of nature
And when you go for a swim we have to notify the harbor master
Then skim the fish
It takes a crane to drag you back to shore
And now let's list your positive points....................never mind
Your devoted friend,
Grizzelda
Contributors: | anon, Dassn't Say, Kansas Sam, Francine, P, F, Beefy, archaeopteryx, Randy, Karin, Edgar, Nym, N, Anon.. |
Poem finished: | 2nd August 2003. |