Bashful Statements Of Statehood
The denizens of Alabama
Deaf to their neighbours' clamour
Will open a case of Pommery
And toast to ol' Montgomery
The huskies of Alaska
Take their holidays in Nebraska
It helps improve their fur
An' Juneau that's important to a cur.
The cacti of Arizona
Resemble a giant Corona
If beer is all you ever drink
You'll never sing like SteePhoenix, I think
Bill Clinton hailed from Arkansas
Hence his rather squarish jaw
Some gals who live in Little Rock
Think he's just a total jock
California--golden gate
The place we love to hate
Each citizen's full of silicone
Sacramento-ans can't live without a cellphone
The snowy peaks of Colorado
Not as impressive as the Prado
But home to beetles unsurpassed
The Denver Broncos do kick ass
The maidens of Connecticut
Are well-versed in etiquette
With fashion sense most well defined
Their Hartfor' daddy is nonetheless consigned
We should first state that Delaware
Has a naval history of which we are well aware
But what is not generally known the world over
Is the complexion of the cliff-face at Dover
You might think, when visiting Florida
That nowhere on earth is horrider
Blue hairs out for a Sunday drive
To see the Tallahassee lassie jive
When rhymin' mah state, please use "Georgah"
Especially if Ah'm walkin' toward ya
For mah coke, Ah'll be sippin' that Fanta
Ah'm Ted Turner and live in Atlanta
The African tribes of Hawaii
Though rare, are regarded most highly
But you would be lucky to spot a Zulu
On the sun-drenched streets of Honolulu
The silent sisters of Idaho
Reap when they should only sow
Then, boy, do they get noisy
On Saturday nights in Boise
They're a jumpy lot in old Illinois
For often both a girl and boy
Will hide behind their windshield
When making love in Springfield
The hoosiers of Indiana
Will seldom say, manana
They think that life is fabulous
In dreary old Indianapolis
The farmhands of Iowa
Like a girl who is a bit of a goer
And likes to dance groin-to-groin
In the dancehalls of Des Moines
The private eyes of Kansas
Oft peruse these stanzas
Was Sam Spade hired to seek a
Private poet from Topeka?
The carnivores of Kentucky
Consider themselves lucky
Eating hamburgers in port
In the cafés of Frankfort
The Cajuns of Louisiana
Tend to wear a striped bandana
When slurpin' gumbo on a bobsled (that an' luge)
Right down the broadways of sunny Baton Rouge
Now way up there in Maine
Winter brings six months of pain
The question, though, is: Must a
Golfer master winter in a warmer state's Agusta?
The fruitbats of Maryland
(For flyers) are hairy and
Have flown in from Minneapolis
To visit family in Annapolis
The Mormon Hordes of Utah
Have many wives who'll mute a
Polygamist who asks for pity
In the environs of Salt Lake City
The Brahmins of Massachusetts
At Cheers, enjoy their brew; it's
What makes them get to the drunk tank tossed in
Each Friday night in Boston
A googly stockman from Michigan
Who bears a resemblance to Gilligan
Around the true issues is dancing
"Lancing" is banned but not "Lansing."
The timberwolves of Minnesota
Speak Latin: fugit hora
When preparing for a fancy dress ball
They'll first say a prayer to St. Paul
The Mississippians of Mississippi
Care not for rouge or lippy
But always sound the Klaxon
In cotton-pickin' Jackson
Show me a man from Missouri
Who has never yet sat on a jury
Whose heart is indifferent to pity
He'll long for "correction" at Jefferson City
Underneath the big sky in Montana
Lived a plucky cowgirl, name of Hannah
One day she swallowed the biggest wiener
"Going to Helena handbasket", said all who had seen her.
The cornhuskers who toil in Nebraska
Know little of envious Casca
Of Caesar, they seldom are thinkin'--
(His palace is in Vegas, not in Lincoln)
The gamblers who flock to Nevada
Cry, "Oh, if only we had a
Place in this state that was pretty. . . "
And no, it's not Carson City
Candidates must win New Hampshire
(The fact of which we are all damn sure!)
And those who have been conquered
Make a concession speech in Concord
People joke about New Jersey
From the Mississippi to the Mersey
Their meals are hardly Lenten
Fine cuisine is absent from Trenton
Stranded in New Mexico
I filled my tank at Texaco
I saw Anasazi pueblos that day
On my way to Santa Fe
The Biggest of Apples - New York
Receives most of the government "pork"
And the mayor (now that's what I'd call money)
Is scraping the barrel in Albany
If you're hungry in North Carolina
Get down to the Francis Drake diner
And only an artist like Dali
Can paint the town red down in Raleigh
I discovered, when in North Dakota
That North Dakotans speak like Yoda!
But the man who above all made his mark
Is the one for whom they named Bismarck
Oh me, oh my, oh my oh!
I think I've discovered Ohio
I'm sure you'll want to make a big fuss
While visiting us here in Columbus
I sing of Oklahoma
"And the wavin' wheat..." And the aroma
Some folks think Laurey is the most pretty
Sight to be seen in Oklahoma City
The postal service in Oregon
Has a carrier who resembles a gorgon
So if you've got friends in those parts and you want to mail 'em
You'd be better off sending them beaver mail to Salem
Karin and Francine live in Pennsylvania
A region noted for rampant megalomania
They acquired a mutant strain of a Paris lurge
Or so they told every single citizen in Harrisburg
The smallest of all is Rhode Island
Which bears no resemblance to Thailand
The natives seem far-off and tense--
So wont to thanking Providence
Way down there in South Carolina
Hilton Head golfing couldn't be finah
And they dance the rumba, yah!
All night long in downtown Columbia
The farmers in South Dakota
Have been assigned a quota:
Grow enough hops to brew a million kegs of beer
To fill all the stomachs in dry Pierre
The trainspotters of Tennessee
Are not embarrassed when we see
Old steam locomotives in service still
So let's take the last train to Chattanooga, via Nashville
We all know who comes from Texas
And how often he can vex us
We wish he'd just get lost in
The basement of Republican Headquarters in Austin
In a sewage works in deepest Vermont
Police located the remains of ol' Ed Norton's aunt
They were pretty upset, I can tell yer
When she turned up in the Red Clover of Montpelier
For lovers of 'baccy, Virginia
Is the best place to get nicotine in ya
The politicos all know from which fund
To solicit donations in Richmond
The athletes of Washington
Think steroid tests are quashing fun
The teens are rather pimply. A
Dermatologist has been dispatched to Olympia
In the hills of West Virginia
Dwells a hillbilly named Lavinia
Who claims her boyfriend, Carl's, fun
"He throws the best raves in Charleston!"
The cheese that they make in Wisconsin
Was a favorite of Charles Bronson
Who stayed at the Hotel Radisson
Whenever he visited Madison
The cowboys who live in Wyoming
Spend long days on the range roaming
And season their beef with cayenne
To spice up a dull night in Cheyenne
| Contributors: | Beefy, Roland, N, F, loaf, Karin, Big Andy, W, asdf, Padfoot, Grayman, Kansas Sam, Ventnor, Herb, willh, smrtypnts, Gussie, will. |
| Poem finished: | 9th December 2003 by Anon.. |