The Spoonbill Generator

To grasp these prawns will take some skill       [Apsley ]

And gauntlets wrought from zinc       [Roland ]

With bismuth added, for the kill,       [Apsley ]

Or so my lovers think       [Roland ]

Yet they don't know my turn of mind       [Apsley ]

Who feast on crabs and carpet-rind       [Roland ]

(They, I mean, for that's not food       [Apsley ]

And they who think it is are rude)       [Chevalier ]

But idly guess what I might think       [Apsley ]

If ever I should take to drink       [Chevalier ]

These lovers, then, have minds of glue       [Apsley ]

And gauntlets wrought from zinc       [(trad) ]

With little patience, such my view,       [Apsley ]

Indelible as ink       [Roland ]

For they won't wait the livelong day       [Apsley ]

To feast on crabs and caraway       [Roland ]

(As I do, for that's my food,       [Apsley ]

And they who think it ain't are crude)       [Roland ]

But gently moulder in the sink       [Apsley ]

If ever I should take to drink       [(trad) ]

My lovers think to steal my prawns       [Apsley ]

And gauntlets wrought from zinc       [(trad) ]

With cunning, while the household yawns       [Chevalier ]

And butlers belch and blink       [Roland ]

But they can't run to save their lives       [Apsley ]

To feast on crabs and camping-knives       [Roland ]

(Butlers do, for that's their food       [Apsley ]

And them wot thinks it ain't are lewd)       [Roland ]

But only make a wretched stink       [Apsley ]

If ever I should take to drink       [(trad) ]

To drain this flask will take some nerve       [Apsley ]

And gauntlets wrought from zinc       [(trad) ]

With not a little reckless verve       [Chevalier ]

(I'll try it wearing mink)       [Roland ]

I'll do it for the cheering hordes       [Apsley ]

Who feast on crabs and carving-boards       [Roland ]

(Those, I mean, who think that's food       [Apsley ]

Though such as do should be eschewed)       [Roland ]

But never sport the colour pink       [Apsley ]

Until the day they take to drink       [Roland ]

Sapient deductions:       [Apsley ]

Take your gauntlets to the feast       [Roland ]

(E'en gauntlets wrought from zinc)       [Apsley ]

They will not fail you; at the least       [Roland ]

They'll keep you in the pink.       [Apsley ]