The Spoonbill Generator

Oh Wally! Won't you start your car,       [Rfwoolf ]

Before I wring your throat       [olaf ]

You've made us late to greet the Tsar       [Kansas Sam ]

And impregnate his goat       [olaf ]

This time, you've really gone too far       [Chevalier ]

You stercoraceous stoat.       [olaf ]

So get the handle from the shed,       [Apsley ]

And grease the waiting hole       [olaf ]

Remember what the monkey said       [Chevalier ]

To greet the smiling Pole:       [Apsley ]

"Not all the boors of Berkhamsted       [olaf ]

Shall make me feel quite whole"       [Apsley ]

The tumbril shuddered; down the street       [olaf ]

Out came the crass midwife       [Rfwoolf ]

Who followed it on hopeful feet       [Chevalier ]

With wildly-brandished knife       [olaf ]

In hope of finding subject meet       [Apsley ]

For trouble and for strife       [olaf ]

Pantechnicons of varied hues       [Apsley ]

All jack-knifed in its wake       [olaf ]

The reds clashed wildly with the blues       [Chevalier ]

The haddock with the hake       [Apsley ]

And yet, with gin and suchlike booze       [asdf ]

Our thoughts were quite opaque       [olaf ]

Meanwhile the Tsar was waxing wild -       [Apsley ]

The goat had gone astray       [Chevalier ]

And stumbled past a foundling child       [Apsley ]

In search of new-mown hay       [olaf ]

So Wally, be not meek or mild       [asdf ]

On impregnation day       [olaf ]

(Of new-mown hay, one must opine       [Apsley ]

Beyond all shred of doubt       [olaf ]

That, were it not just quite divine,       [Apsley ]

When mixed with Sauerkraut       [olaf ]

Its potencies - so genuine! -       [Apsley ]

Would poleaxe any lout).       [olaf ]

The caravan the palace neared       [Apsley ]

Passing much zucchini       [Rfwoolf ]

The sight was what the Tsar had feared       [Chevalier ]

He swerved his Lamborghini       [olaf ]

The goat then shook its hellish beard       [asdf ]

In homage to Fellini       [Apsley ]

The tumbril lost a nether wheel       [Chevalier ]

And those pursuing bayed       [Apsley ]

Their manner, not at all genteel       [olaf ]

Or as the butler prayed,       [Apsley ]

For half-a-hundredweight of steel       [olaf ]

The butler was betrayed       [Chevalier ]

The pack descended, scenting blood,       [Apsley ]

Of cormorant or kite       [olaf ]

They dragged the Tsar into the mud       [Chevalier ]

And slaked his appetite       [olaf ]

For drinking from the nether flood       [Apsley ]

To sluice the nether bite       [olaf ]

And so the Revolution had       [Apsley ]

The usual result       [Chevalier ]

The priesthood, being truly mad       [olaf ]

And quite beyond insult,       [Apsley ]

Enrolled the angels, leather-clad       [Chevalier ]

To commence their assault       [Roland ]

Assault on what?, you fondly ask,       [Apsley ]

In Herculean mode       [olaf ]

But I, who have assumed this task,       [Chevalier ]

And authorised this ode       [olaf ]

Will merely in the sunshine bask,       [Apsley ]

Spreadeagled in the road       [olaf ]

Moral insight:       [Apsley ]

In Berkhamsted, if not in Tring       [olaf ]

(And environs thereof),       [Apsley ]

To know the Idylls of the King       [Chevalier ]

From those of Molotov       [olaf ]

Requires the use of lengths of string       [Apsley ]

At which let no man scoff       [loaf ]