The Spoonbill Generator

Ethel had the sharpest wit,       [Apsley ]

That ever punctured matter       [olaf ]

Ethel always did her bit       [Chevalier ]

To ravish, with a roasting-spit       [olaf ]

All those whose brains were "soft as shit"       [Chevalier ]

(she always tried to flatter)       [olaf ]

She rarely chose to make a friend,       [Apsley ]

With whom to sit and natter       [olaf ]

And, from a merry noontide, send       [Apsley ]

A telegram; nor yet extend       [olaf ]

To those whose minds were "on the mend"       [Apsley ]

Some patriarchal patter       [olaf ]

She lived, as you may guess, alone       [Chevalier ]

As mad as any hatter       [olaf ]

Scarcely ever ate a scone       [Apsley ]

'Til Sunday; never shared a bone       [olaf ]

That wasn't just "the telling-bone"       [Apsley ]

She spurned the wind-up gramophone       [olaf ]

Ethel had the sharpest knife,       [Apsley ]

That ever guts did spatter       [olaf ]

Ethel hardly took a life       [Apsley ]

(If we exclude the Rector's wife)       [olaf ]

She tried to live quite free from strife       [Chevalier ]

(If we exclude the latter)       [olaf ]

Let us, then, sing Ethel's praise       [Chevalier ]

And hope that she gets fatter       [Apsley ]

Living sev'ral extra days       [olaf ]

Thinking up inventive ways       [Chevalier ]

Of telling friends to "sod off, gays!"       [Apsley ]

Oh Blithe and Blameless Chatter!       [olaf ]